Today a friend told me, “Sarah I think you have a problem letting go”. My first reaction was to say “wait no I don’t, and who are you to tell me I do?!” But then I thought about it and realized, he was indeed correct; I in fact do, have a problem letting go.
But doesn’t everyone? I mean when we move from phase to phase in our lives isn’t it difficult for most people to let go? When you let go you lose that security blanket, regardless of whether it’s the warm fuzzy kind, or the kind that wraps its self around your neck like a Boa Constrictor. Either way, it’s familiar. It’s known. It’s safe.
I thought about this for a while, and reminisced on the past year in my own life. I began to realize that indeed I had been clinging to many things, that were both unhealthy and crippling. I think when you go through a traumatizing experience like what I went through last year, sometimes it’s easier to just bury it in the bottom of the ocean, as it were. Tell yourself this equates “letting go”. That way you can look yourself in the mirror every morning and say, “I’m doing fine. I’m healthy. I’m surviving this”. But until it’s legitimately dealt with and truly set free in your spirit, you cling to things that make much less, logical sense.
And I realized that I’m one of those individuals who can’t handle it when people are mad at me. I hate it. I obsess about it. I need to convince them they are wrong, and that the situation must be reevaluated. This is “NOT letting go” at its finest! I just can’t do it. I can’t say, “well forget you! I’m never talking to you again!” Although, God knows I have done that many times to some of the most critical people in my life. I will then move heaven and earth to win them back. I can’t cut them from my life, poisonous or wonderful, it makes no difference. I can’t let that proverbial door slam, forever. It’s too terrifying. What if, god forbid, they don’t come back?
To this day there are people in my life that I want desperately to be able to say “enough is enough” and move on, let go. But with that goes the “what if”, the unknown. The security the relationship, in whatever capacity has provided.
I realized today it takes strength to let go. Strength that as of this moment in time I don’t possess, but that in time I know, will come.
The biggest test of all, I have passed. I have let go of the longest standing non-familial relationship in my life. Let go of someone who at one point was my partner, best friend, companion, husband and the father of my children. So if I can let that go, I can let go of anything. Right?
Perhaps I’m stronger then I think.
*this is an interactive blog, please leave your thoughts and I will respond :)