Saturday, August 22, 2009

Who Am I Now?

..

I don’t know who I am, anymore.

I mean when you have spent so many years building a life that your comfortable with, and a role for yourself your comfortable with, when that changes; who are you?

I was the young stay at home mom. I sat down on Sunday nights with 10 cookbooks, countless cooking magazines, a shopping list and a note pad. I would spend a few hours
slowly going through all of them, searching for recipes I knew my family would not only eat, but love. I dog-eared pages. Then went back through a second time, choosing one dinner for each night of the week. I wrote my shopping list out, and posted the menu to the refrigerator door.

I baked things.

Mother's Day

It was mother’s day.

I was laying carefully in the hammock under the lilac tree in our back yard, the phone on my tender belly. It had been ringing constantly all morning. Not with Happy Mother’s Day wishes, as my four year-old son ran in and out of the house.

On the other end, first my parents. Both mom and dad. Dad first telling me how much he loved me and that everything would be ok, all the while mom talking over him in the background, telling him what to relay to me; their broken daughter. I rocked gently back and forth, in the mesh string

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Believe In Fate

I believe in fate.
Believe that everything happens for a reason. It’s the reason that has come to intrigue me of late.

See, I guess you could say I was on a pretty unlucky streak for a few years. The list of unfortunate things that took place in my life over the past 4 years, is one that if I actually put it in print would surly make me want to immediately jump off a bridge. Mind you, I live in a place nick-named Bridge-town, so there is no shortage! But rest assured I am tougher than that. Things most people encounter at a distance, throughout the course of a lifetime, or not at all; nearly squashed me like a bug in the course of 3 years.

Someday Soon....

I can't wait for the day when I no longer miss you.

When you're not the first thing I think of when I hit the snooze button.

There will be a morning, when on my way to the office as I pass your old work, you won't even cross my mind.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Little Moments


I think it’s easy to get caught up in life. To become overwhelmed by the day to day stress of getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, paying the bills, ingesting nutrition. It’s so easy to let all those things become your life, where you are merely a passenger along for the ride.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Little About Me...


..

-I’m a mama first, everything else second.

-If there's music playing I find it impossible not to move my hips….

-I’m a corporate business women by day, a workout queen at lunch, a mama till the kids are happily asleep, and then I'm cozied up with a book and a glass of wine!

-I’m confident, strong, funny as hell, I love to play around, sarcastic a lot, I'm passionate, determined, loyal, kind and loving…..

-I can make a killer (from scratch) low-fat chocolate cake….

-I’m the best kind of girl, I look high maintenance but I can be ready and out the door lookin hot in 10 min flat!...

-I cant live without: stilettos, hip-hop, Starbucks, red wine, a kitchen, my laptop for writing, my phone, moisturizer, carbs and the SUN!

-I think yoga pants are only for acutely doing yoga, I think heals are sexy even on a Monday….


that's my team!
-I think NYC is the greatest city in the world.

-I think I can make a better martini than most.

-I like driving in the country on a sunny Sunday...

-I think cooking a meal for or with someone is a gesture of love, and I think you'd love my cooking!

-Country music makes me want to leap from tall buildings, w/o a shoot, and leave a note in my wake.

-I think a bunch of tulips would kick the ass of a dozen roses any day (just an fyi)….

-I think the Ducks the best team in college football (stop hatin!)


-I dream of one day driving through the Italian countryside with a bad map, my trusty camera, drinking wine from the bottle…..

My Bucket List


Live in at least one other country (Italy for sure!)
Travel the globe:
Eat with my fingers on the floor in Morocco...
Do yoga Bali...
See a Kangaroo with my kids in Australia...
Eat pasta in Rome...
Kiss/drink wine/eat pastries/eat french bread and amazing cheese/dance/make love... in Paris.
Drive a sports car in the French Riviera...
Go hiking in Peru...
Watch a soccer game with Kanen in Brazil...
Go skiing in Switzerland...
Take a million pictures in Greece...
Go wine tasting, and rent a tiny car in Tuscany....
Stay in a villa

A FEW THINGS I'VE LEARNED

1: I think jumping out of a plane is totally insane, but still somehow am drawn to the idea.
2: I give my friends silly nicknames like Cherry and Bitchen (love you!)...
3: I think it's not too much to ask of a six year old to sit quietly at the table, napkin in lap, and eat like an adult. Mine does it (I’m so proud!)
4: I think a good, attentive father is the most attractive thing in the world.
5: I think that when life kicks you in the gut you have no choice but to stand up and fight back. "Pull yourself up by your boot straps" like a good friend once told me.
6: My motto "I can do it, I am strong”. It works for EVERYTHING. Think about it...no matter what it is you want to give up on, if you say that 10 times to yourself, you really can do it.
7: Nothing can humble you more quickly than a child.
8: I've learned we really do get better with age. I love myself more now than ever, I appreciate what I'm capable of and love my body for all I've put it through.
9: I think starving yourself is over rated.
10: I think nothing is better than a glass of Pinot Noir and a good book, (ok maybe a bottle!).
11: I've learned that people are not always who they seem, and that no matter how long you've known someone they can still be completely different then what you believed them to be.
12: I've also learned that people can be amazing and can support you, and stand by you even when there's nothing in it for them.
13: I think 2009 will be better than 2008 (come on the bar is pretty low here!
14: I think that liking Britney Spears AND NPR is NOT an oxymoron!
15: I think "crow’s feet" are sexy! .......In that spirit, I think 33 is better than 23!
16: I think there's nothing better in the whole world then a good, tight, heart-felt hug.
17: I think the Ducks are better than the Beavers! (Eat it!!) (Take that Sarah, Katie and Chris and all you beaver lovers!!!) :)
18: I think that the goal of running a marathon this year is totally doable, (does that mean i actually need to start running?? Does it count if I think about it often? What would happen if i actually had a heart attack running the first mile? How long is a marathon again?? OK maybe I’ll do a 5k instead).
19: I've learned that faith in myself can go a long way. And that teaching my kids to believe in themselves is harder than it looks.
20: I've learned that I'm the only person who can make me feel small and insignificant. .....I've learned that I'm NOT small and insignificant......I've learned that I'm NOT small and insignificant.
21: I've learned that I like nice things, and that just because i like nice things it doesn't make me "shallow" , but just in case it does...I'm shallow!
22: I think listening to the same song every waking minute is totally normal, especially if that song is "So Beautiful" by Akon and makes you feel like a princess!
23: I think hip-hop dancing while driving is a skill everyone should cultivate, and one I’m especially good at...(so happy my son is at the age when i can embarrass him
24: I was "home schooled" till i was 15. (Does that mean you’re supposed to learn to read/write/math and spell??? Oh then maybe it's just called not going to school till I was 15
25: I think flying while intoxicated is the ONLY way to go, regardless of takeoff time...(yes i have been known to pound a double bloody-marry at 5:30am...it's true i may have passed out on my neighbor in route to Dallas
26: My dad delivered me in the back of a VW van in the hospital parking lot. I've never seen Star Wars or any 80's sitcoms. I thought Paula Abdul was a dude. I didn’t eat any kind of meat till I was 16. I was a member of a religious cult as a child...it goes on but you'll have to buy my memoir to learn more!!

Letting Go


Today a friend told me, “Sarah I think you have a problem letting go”. My first reaction was to say “wait no I don’t, and who are you to tell me I do?!” But then I thought about it and realized, he was indeed correct; I in fact do, have a problem letting go.
   
But doesn’t everyone? I mean when we move from phase to phase in our lives isn’t it difficult for most people to let go? When you let go you lose that security blanket, regardless of whether it’s the warm fuzzy kind, or the kind that wraps its self around your neck like a Boa Constrictor. Either way, it’s familiar. It’s known. It’s safe.

It's Been A Year

It downed on me today that it’s almost been a year. I’ve almost made it through a full 12 months since my life began to unravel the evening of September 7th 2008. Tomorrow morning I will sign the papers. Papers that were filed nearly 12 months ago, the final step in a very long journey. A symbolic step, the one that like magic restores life to “pre-wedded bliss status”, I get my old name back. I’ll officially be a single women. I will be DIVORCED.

Beautiful Chaos: Just A Day In My Life

Its 5:00 am and one of my twins Izzy is patting my face with her blankie in hand, "mama baba"!! I stagger out of bed, scoop her up with a kiss and carry her to the kitchen to heat a bottle, unable to see through my sleepy eyes. I put her back to bed and hit my pillow.

I’ve barely made it back to a half-assed sleep when at 6:15am Mira does the same thing. By then it’s time to get up anyway. I stagger back to the kitchen to brew my coffee, which god knows I can’t see without. I hop in the shower coffee in hand, start 2 loads of laundry, pick up the house a little, pound a protein shake and get dressed, make-up can wait till I get to work.

At 7:00 AM all hell breaks loose as the kids wake up. They are either happy and loud, or fussy and really loud. The noise level instantly goes from “Namaste” at yoga class, to “It’s a small world” at Disneyland, in a matter of minutes. I set everyone down, scramble some eggs, heat some sausage, pour some "dip-dip" (ketch-up), and juice. All of which ends up in hair, clothes and the floor. I rush around cleaning and changing them one by one. I pack their lunches, gym bags, hand-bags and diaper bags. My arms are already loaded and aching as I hoist the girls up and carry them (35lbs each) one on each hip with the gear, down stairs out to the parking lot.