Oh Vegas. Vegas.

 *This is an excerpt from my memoir One Third Crazy.

I’m on a plane leaving Las Vegas, praying for my life. Flying, though I love reaching my destination, is not my favorite hobby. The captain has already warned us while safely on the tarmac that this is going to be a bumpy ride and to hold tight as we try to ascend past the roller-coaster he’s about to take us on.

Oh Vegas!

 I’m sitting here, of my own free will. No one has strapped my wrists to the arm rest, the cabin door is still open, escape is possible. I ponder for a second making a run for it, then weigh the consequences of this cowardly potential move. If I deplane I can’t see my babies. I have promised them mama’s coming home tonight, I’ve been gone all week. I close my eyes, picture them dog-piling me on the living room floor when they get home this evening. They are the only reason I remain seated.  I can’t wait to see them! It’s been toooooooo long!  Every fiber of my being misses them and is exhausted from this trip. I must get home. NOW.

The Push I Needed.

Yesterday I cold-called Steve Schiffman.  For those of you in corporate sales, you know this guy.  You've read his books and you've applied his selling techniques.  In my first corporate sales job back in 2003 I was assigned several of his books to read and to this day they sit on my office bookshelf. So yeah I cold-called him (well, cold-emailed him, meaning I didn't know him from Adam), and he called me about five minutes later!

See I've had this dream for years, especially the past three years of really getting serious about my Motivational Speaking career.  And even though all the signs have been pointing me in the right direction, even I can be a little slow sometimes. 

I've been asked by several corporations including the Red Cross to give the key note motivational address at their events which I've been so honored to do, yet somehow still dragging my feet on making it more of a priority.  But the dream and vision have been as clear as day (and on my vision boards) for the past four years.

Quick LOA time-line:

Fix My Life... It Just Might.

"You train people how to treat you".  I heard these words tonight watching a show on OWN (Iyanla: Fix My Life with Evelyn Lozada)  and they gave me instant chills.  I've heard variations of them before and know how true a statement like that is.  Yet still I find myself repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship (friends, family, co-workers, whomever).  And every time they go sideways just like the one before I dissect the pattern, and it's always there.  And every time I blame myself, and wonder why I can't fix it. Why I can't make whoever it is see the real me, see my heart, appreciate the good I do, love me. Chose me.

I hate myself a little more every time.  And find it harder and harder to pick up what's left of my disappointed, battered self and go back out and do it all again.  Because someplace deep inside I must not really believe that statement.  The one that says I can expect better.  I can demand better.  I can train better.  If I really believed that statement then that would mean I could control and change the outcome which my "logical" self knows is true, but which my soul doesn't believe is worthy.

September 11th, May We Never Forget.

*this is a chapter from my memoir One Third Crazy. I wanted to post it today in memory of September 11, 2001.  May we never forget. 

Chapter 14

Playing House

(Portland Oregon, 2000-2001)

We moved into a renovated early 1900’s condo, where the light poured in from fourteen-foot windows onto the hardwood floors. The place felt like sunshine. Exuded newly-wed happiness.  It was my first real home.  Not an apartment, not a tent, not a travel trailer or a room at my Grandmothers.  It was our home.  It felt unbreakable. 

I had furniture, and decorations and pictures on the walls. China and stemware for dinner parties.  A back yard full of flowers.  My own light filled kitchen.   We hosted family get-togethers, and barbeques, holidays and cocktail parties. 

I went back to school during the day to finish my Bachelors Degree and waited tables at night while Mark worked ten hour days fixing concrete.  

When Mark traveled for work I missed him so much it hurt. I remember sitting on the couch the night before one of his work trips in early September. We were watching TV and my head was on his lap.  He was petting my hair with one hand, and holding my hand with the other. I looked up at him, and for the first time felt like I loved him in a way that was so frustrating because there were no adequate words to express it. It felt like a firecracker was concealed in my chest.  I wanted to show him it was there, warn him it could explode and leave a gooey mess. He leaned down and kissed my nose, and that’s when I knew, I didn’t need to try and explain anything to this man about love, this is how he’d always felt about me.

Fairies.

...

I believe in fairies.

I know, I might be a little old for such things, but I can’t help it, I do. I believe some people are put on this earth just to spread a little kindness and sprinkle our lives with their magic. Show plain goodness to those of us in desperate need.

I have yet to comprehend what it is that makes them:

Care.

Give.

Love.

Respect.

Support.

Listen.

Be there.

Unconditionally they lend their ears, when no one else will be bothered to listen.

Wrap their arms around you when a hug is the most needed thing imaginable.

Hope... Pass it On.

...

I'm blown away by the stories of people who have been moved or motivated by my story.  Almost daily I hear form someone that says they connected to the message of hope that I'm trying hard to put out there, and that it gave them the courage to dream, maybe for the first time.  I can't even express how that feels.

I feel like I've spent my whole life up until these past few years searching for meaning.  For someone or something to give me hope and encouragement, so I know first hand how hard it is to come by in this life.  So to be able to pass that on to people all over the globe, is so humbling and brings me a kind of joy and peace I've never known before. I guess that's what they mean when they say your passion will find you.  That is certainly true for me.

Believe in Love.

They say, and I have always believed, that to love someone you must learn to first love yourself.  I think this is true, but what is even truer for me is the realization that to really, truly love myself I need to first unconditionally love other people.  

If you’re like me that’s a really hard pill to swallow.  The more I sit and ponder this thought the more I realize that outside my children there’s no one that I love in this way.  No one that I’ve loved, for a long time at least, without reservation.  Without fear.  Without the deep-seeded belief that eventually they will break my heart (friends, family, men, whoever).

…So I’ve given pieces, and I’ve gotten broken pieces in return.