|It's so hard to say goodbye...|
It was one of those cosmically aligned moments, when I ran into a stranger in an elevator who changed my life and stole my heart. The connection was instant and undeniable. And for the next year my heart went through every possible emotion. The most prominent, that of finding the one person you've spent your whole life searching for, the one that is the perfect match to you in every way, but knowing from the start that it would never last. It was that tragic, heartbreaking, can't-do-shit-about-it, life's-a-bitch, kinda love that rips your heart out. Yet when you fall in love, you have no control over it, even if you know it's chances for survival are minimal at best. It just is what it is.
I didn't believe in love at first sight until our eyes locked that day. I thought it was something writers and fairytale's invented to keep us wishing for some magic that probably never existed. But from our first eye contact, it was there, as crazy as it sounds. If you've ever found this kinda love, then you know it doesn't sound crazy at all. There was no denying it, on both sides. And from that moment on as we spent time getting to know each other, knowing that our timing and lives would not mesh, I asked God and the Universe or whatever else was listening...why? Why do this to me? Why put me through something so pointlessly painful. Why bring him into my life in such a fates-collide kinda way, only to not let him stay?
I don't know the answer to that question. I wish I did. I wish it would reveal itself to me. Because even now two years later, the thought of him makes me want to cry. No matter what I've done to try and move past it the last year, to put him behind me and accept that it wasn't meant to be, he's still always with me.
I share this with you because, almost every single day for the past few years a reader will write to me from somewhere in the world with a story just like this one. And they will ask me: "How do I get the love of my life back?" And I always say... you don't.
You let them go.
"But!" They protest, "I want you to tell me how to make the Law of Attraction bring them back". And again I say... not how it works my friend. Believe me this is not what I would want to hear either. But it's what I've come to know is true. And the only thing that keeps my heart from bleeding out, is knowing and trusting that there must be some crazy higher power at work, dreaming up a bigger dream for me than my little brain can do for itself. Because to me he was perfect. To me he was all I've ever thought I wanted. But that's not the reality. The reality is that if it was perfect and if he was the one for me, it would have worked out. It wouldn't be a tragic love story. It would have been happily ever after. And it's not.
It's hard. I know this. There hasn't been a day that's passed the last two years when I've not thought of him. Maybe that will always be the case, I don't know. But the year of heart-brokenness, and pain, and tears, and emptiness has finally passed. And it will for you too.
The lessons he taught me about myself, and the awakening I had about my life, my past, the way I love and seek love, all of those things are priceless. They are the reason I was able to write my memoir. Able to finally find happiness inside myself instead of seek it in a man. He raised the bar to a level I never thought I could expect, and he softened a heart that was quickly growing cold. For all those reasons I'll love him always. But over time I've been able to let him as a person go, and still hold on to those qualities and realize that maybe they will manifest in someone even more perfect. And even if they don't I will be okay.
And lastly, if he really is my sole mate, then time and age and distance and life wont matter. Somehow, someway, someday, he may reappear. But that's not what I focus on. There's nothing I can do to make that happen. I've learned through trial and error that the only love I want in my life is one that is equally unmatched and where equal sacrifice is made, and until that is the case chasing after it will do no good.
I remain hopeful, and steadfast in my belief that whatever is meant to be for me will find me. I'm not going to chase it, seek it, or hunt it down. I've drawn it to me before I will again, and so will you. Don't let your heart ever stop believing that somewhere out there someone was meant to keep it safe for you.
~Written by: Sarah Centrella for Thoughts.Stories.Life.
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